SacredSpace

The Second Half of Breathing

2007-01-25T14:12:00.000-08:00

Today has just been one of those days. I kept running into...inspiration. And not having a clue what to do next.

Ordinarily, this would not seem to be a problem for me. I have spent too many days of my life wandering around in deep funks, fogs, and pits of despair. During these times I would long for just a tiny bit of inspiration to get me going. Just a little spiritual kick in the pants to get the energy moving.

Today I just found moment after moment of "Oh! And I could do this!..." "Oh! Or I could do that!" "Oh! And what about this??..." It seems like all those books and workshops and CD's on manifesting have all done their job and my life is popping up daisies and roses and lake-side properties in Canada just waving hello and calling out, "Here we are!! Just like you asked!" (OK, to be fair, I don't remember the Canada part, but I wasn't very specific so...)

Oh...the problem? Well, inspiration after inspiration after inspiration ends up leading me to do little more than hold my breath. I forget to participate in the second half of breathing....exhaling. Letting it out, letting it go. That is the part of the cycle of manifestation that I so often forget. It is here and the Eternal is now asking of me: Are you as willing to let it out as you are to let it in? This is the question of the Still, Small Voice that is neither insistant nor resistant. And so may I learn to be through the stilling of my mind, the quieting of my heart, the small moment of breathing out and letting all be at peace.

What's New?

2007-01-02T08:50:00.000-08:00

All things new are being reviewed, considered, vowed. Re-solutions: The opportunity to look at the ways of reacting and inter-acting that did not work in the past and revise, re-think, repair them.

At this dawn of the year 2007 I wish you all that you wish for yourselves. May you be well, may you be at peace.

"There is a gap or space between stimulus and response, and...the key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that space."—Viktor Frankl

Questions Seeking Answers

2006-12-27T08:35:00.000-08:00

Here are some intriguing questions that you might ponder as you continue on your journey today...

*What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

*What would you want if you knew you didn't have to be unhappy about not getting it?

*Imagine you are at your own funeral. What do people say about you - not from the pulpit but in whispered voices at the back of the room? What would you like them to say?

*What would you do with your money if you had all you could ever need?

*How would you live your life if you knew you were going to die feeling perfectly healthy in five years?

*What would you feel you've missed if you found out that you had 24 hours to live?

*Imagine you are on your deathbed and you have had a wonderful life. What are the four or five things you are most glad that you did?

(questions courtesy of geniuscatalyst.com)

Love and Learn

2006-12-15T15:37:00.000-08:00

At 12:31PM this afternoon a beautiful woman lost her life to a long dance with breast cancer. I had the great honor of being able to share the last few days of her life and death with her. She will forever be an angel and inspiration for me. Her name is Wendy Matlock and her courage and gusto for living was only upstaged by her courage and grace in dying.

Wendy was an amazing force for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Please consider a donation to your local breast cancer center to help find a cure.

The lyrics of the following song came to me from her as I left the hospice and was heading home. I offer them to you because I believe they encompass the way she lived and provide an excellent example of how to understand that all of life is grand and glorious in it's living.

**************************************************

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles(chorus)

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears
Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

(lyrics from "You Learn" by Alanis Morrisette)

Christmas Wonders

2006-12-06T10:02:00.000-08:00

Love Christmas? Hate Christmas? Not sure exactly what to think about the whole thing?? Well, you wouldn't be the first or be alone. The following is the summary of a television Christmas special which attempted to do something "a little different" to honor this holiday:

A Muppet Christmas with Zbigniew Brzezinski (1978)
A year before their rather more successful Christmas pairing with John Denver, the Muppets joined Carter Administration National Security Advisor Brezezinski for an evening of fun, song, and anticommunist rhetoric. While those who remember the show recall the pairing of Brzezinki and Miss Piggy for a duet of "Winter Wonderland" as winsomely enchanting, the scenes where the NSA head explains the true meaning of Christmas to an assemblage of Muppets dressed as Afghan mujahideen was incongruous and disturbing even then. Washington rumor, unsupported by any Carter administration member, suggests that President Carter had this Christmas special on a repeating loop while he drafted his infamous "Malaise" speech.

Nine more howlers like this, including a particularly awful Star Trek episode and a stab at a swinging swinger Santa, can be found at: "The Ten Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time."

Goals and Gains

2006-11-28T12:06:00.000-08:00

And so it is done! At 3:57 PM yesterday I typed "The End" and found myself with 50K + 71 words of a complete novel. All the major plots and subplots were sketched out, the main characters were developed, and their relationships to each other were at least outlined if not fleshed out.

There wasn't much fanfare with the finale. I wondered around the house. In the living room I encountered four sleeping cats. Two of them raised their heads when they saw me, the other two just lifted open an eyelid.

"I'm done! I won!" I said and raised my arms in the air touchdown like.

They just settled themselves little more deeply into their respective beds then they all went back to sleep.

During this month friends have occassionally asked, "So, what is it that you get when you win?" To which I had to keep answering, "Nothing." And that is the whole point, as far as I'm concerned. You win no thing in doing something like this. The little certificate above is a file you download. You fill in your own name and then you can do with it what you will. What I "won" was watching myself be consistent and committed to something I had never done before. I developed the stamina and backbone to write something even when the scene I was facing was two characters in chairs facing each other and I had no idea what they were going to say to one another. I kept daily word count goals even when I found it hard to do. I managed to do this in the midst of work, home life, attendance at a conference in Seattle, and Thanksgiving.

And here was the most important thing I did all month long. When I typed "The End" and saw that I had passed the 50K mark, I simply stopped. I had completed what I set out to do.

There is a verse in the Tao Te Ching which reads:

Better stop short than fill to the brim.

Oversharpen the blade, and the edge will soon blunt.

Amass a store of gold and jade, and no one can protect it.

Claim wealth and titles and disaster will follow.

Retire when the work is done.

This is the way of heaven.

This speaks directly to the cautions of trying to acquire fame and gain for oneself. The Buddha was very clear that seeking recognition and glory is one of the surest ways to find suffering in your life. It leads to jealousy, greed, competition (and therefore setting oneself to be better than another.) I never felt the need to be in competition with anyone else. I had my goal and when it was reached I put down the pen. I can pick it up any time I want to in the future when/if it seems good to begin to edit. In this way I do not feel burnt out, stressed out or anxious. Knowing when to stop is as valuable as knowing when to begin.

For now, what is good to do is come back to my life as it is, catch up on housecleaning, cootch my kitties. I am deeply grateful for this experience and yes, I'll be back next year!

(Lynn's novel, "Touching the Velvet Elvis," was fueled by vast amounts of caffeine in many forms and by the good folk at pandora.com and their awsome online radio station!)

Heading Toward the Finish Line!!

2006-11-27T11:08:00.000-08:00

Woo Hoo!! Yes, boys and girls, I'm less than 1200 words to the finish line of this year's novel writing challenge!! I figure that I will cross it with flourish by tonight. I'm having a blast going neck and neck with some of my NaNoWriMo compadres here in town. I'm savouring the moments here at the end as I see it in sight and I'm not really in a hurry to cross. When it's over, it's going to be over. Sophia, Delmer, Helene, Harley and Dane will have come to their combined resolutions and will begin to fade from my consciousness, while the reality of my here and now will take up clarity once again. It's been fun and lots of lessons have come my way during the process. Truly the journey has been far more important than the goal.

Nevertheless, stepping over that finish line is going to be cause for celebration!

...It Continues...

2006-11-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

Ten days into NaNoWriMo and I have discovered that there may not be enough coffee in the known Universe to sustain my effort. If I weren't so tired I'd grow the beans myself.

But tired I am. Oh, sure, the normal writing of the 1667 words per day needed to keep on track doesn't take too long. Maybe an hour and some. That's if you have some idea about where you're actually headed with the thing. And if your main character doesn't all of a sudden decide to explore Istanbul and you have to scurry off to Google the place and try to figure out what's there. And if the procrastination demon doesn't drag you all over the internet in a sudden fury of needing to read blogs and myspace and the weather sites and the music sites etc. And, of course, that's if you all of a sudden don't have this incredible passion for housecleaning. Given all those "if"s the 1667 words might actually take you about 12.75 hours to write. Or more.

And, in the end, I'm having a hoot and a howl because it's so much FUN!!

It Begins....During a Dark and Stormy Night...

2006-11-01T20:54:00.000-08:00

Midnight was the watching hour for the start of National Novel Writing Month!! 50,000 words in 30 days, kids! 70,000 would-be authors sent fingers flying across the keyboard starting lines as the bells tolled.

This is my first year and I'm already having a blast. This is insane in all ways but hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Certainly good for the old discipline muscles.

So, if you'll excuse me, I have these voices in my head....

Enlightened Activism

2006-10-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

As I do in my daily practice, I have avoided using this blogsite to discuss the issue of politics. In my experience it is a topic so emotional for most people that conversations around the state of the nation often get mired in destructive, divisive thinking. This only serves to create and perpetuate the sense of separation from others which can only lead one to a misunderstanding of why we are here at Earth School.

However, I am taking a little detour from my own rule because I have found this to be a truly worthy cause which is promoting understanding and unity. They are well organized and getting national recognition currently. There is a particularly excellent speech by Marianne Williamson in which she notes that the time to advocate for a U.S. Department of Peace and Non-Violence is right now, when no one believes it can be done. They provide many options for ways to get involved.

Please take a moment to look at their website if for no other reason than to uplift your spirit in knowing that, during this time of turmoil in our nation's history, there is a very bright light of peace and goodness burning.

LOVE

2006-10-13T19:14:00.000-07:00

It Just Is

This posting goes out with deepest bows and gratitude to my mother, Ethyle Beatty Mortara, who would have been 82 today. May the merit of this blessing go out to all beings who are suffering, especially those suffering from the complications of diabetes. May All Beings Be At Peace.

The Pain in My TOE!!

2006-10-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

I woke up with it early this morning. Throbing, pounding pain. It is being created by a hard lump of unidentifiable "stuff" lodged under my skin on the inside of my right big toe.

I have no idea what it is. No puncture to indicate a poke or bite of some kind. There is swelling (hence, "pain") but no discoloration. No warning of its arrival. It is just showed up and I do not have any more information about it other than a) it has arisen, and b) it is abiding as we speak.

Now, given the teaching of anatta, or no permanent existence, there will be a "c)" to follow: this too shall pass. Small comfort. In the meantime I meditate on the frailty of the human body and the unbelievably sharp, tight focus on the present moment that living with big toe pain offers as an opportunity to practice every bleeping moment meditation. And uncomplaining, all acceptance.

Sort of. >:~(

Monks Don't Dance

2006-09-15T16:37:00.000-07:00

This was a delusion of mine for a very long time. In the tradition I trained in, monks do not dance. I was taught that dancing was a distraction from training. However, to my complete delight, I have discovered the error in my training. Oh yes, indeed, monks DO dance! In prayer and with joy. Here are some splendid examples from different traditions.

DANCE YOUR PRAYER INTO THE WORLD

(All photos except Roshi Joan Halifax courtesy of Google Images. Photo of Roshi Halifax courtesy of Upaya Zen Center)

Nothing Real Can Be Threatened....

2006-09-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

In the text "A Course In Miracles" there is an exquisite saying: Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the Peace of God."

I have worked very deeply with this truth over the past two weeks. My hospice work is getting fuller and richer.

One patient is a wonderful man in his 90's whose wisdom in spiritual matters astounds me. I literally sit at his feet because he has trouble holding his neck up in order to look at me while we converse about God and he shares his favorite scriptures from the Bible with me. One day I was blown away at the complete appropriateness of this form. He is a great teacher. He is a devout Seventh Day Adventist.

Another man is the caretaker for his wife who has very advanced Alzheimer's. He is well into his 80's and struggles with his own limitations of aging but cannot bear to send his wife away from her home. They have been married for over 50 years. Now, she looks at him with incomprehension and tells him that she scares her. When he smiles back at her it is a smile that breaks my heart. He shares his Mormon faith with me and I let him say all he wishes to say. He is not trying to convert me. He is trying to hold on to the only anchor he has.

Within all of this I come to a deeper faith and stillnes about my own beliefs. What is real about my interactions with both of these men is that we cherish our faiths and therefore, not feeling threatened by the other, we are curious about each other and can share our common ground. Our faiths embrace and all that is unreal; the differences and fear that divide people from each other; melts away in the light of common respect and gratitude.

Herein, indeed, lies the Peace of God.

^$^%&!!!

2006-08-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

Been that kind of a day.

The Fruits of Training

2006-08-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

My garden has exploded and I have become an urban farmer. Plums, tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, eggplant, apples. All of them have decided to ripen simultaneously.

This Buddha statue sits beneath my plum tree. I have watched it sit serenely as plums fall around it all day long. I reflect upon the fact that often I feel that my efforts in training are fruitless. Yet, if I truly look into my life with the eyes of a Buddha I see that, indeed, the fruits have ripened and lie all around me. They are there, but remain neutral. They do not shout out at me to see them, harvest them, make use of them. They lie there and it is up to me to extend the further effort to gather them and partake of them with gratitude. However, if I do nothing with them they will simply lie there, continuing to ripen then rot. Becoming food for ants and wasps and squirrels. Or simply turning into compost to feed the source of their birth, growth and death. Nothing wasted.

This training is a wonderous thing and I am deeply grateful for the lessons of the Dharma which come from simply living this extraordinary, ordinary life.

Happy Father's Day!

2006-06-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL OF YOU LOVING AND HARDWORKING FATHERS!!

Thanks so much to all you dads out there who have done what needs to be done, played the silly games with us, and gave us kisses even if it didn't seem the manly man thing to do.

I dedicate this message of love and gratitude to my own father, Henry Mortara, and to my son, Ian (pictured with his own son, Austin). Ian, you are an AWSOME DAD!!

The Size of Life and Death

2006-06-09T08:32:00.000-07:00

"She thinks of how much more space a being occupies in life than it does in death; how much illusion of size is contained in our gestures and movements, in breathing. Dead, we are revealed in our true dimensions, and they are surprisingly modest." From: "The Hours" by Michael Cunningham (1998)

I remember standing at the side of my father's coffin, looking down at him, and wondering when he became so small. I think I always carried the child's-eye view of him with me -- the one that remembered the bigness of him. Yet there, in that box, I realized, for the first time, how little space he truly occupied. What was so large, almost larger than life, was, indeed, the aliveness of him.

Now that I am working in hospice I see this again and again. The body comes down to very little. I few feet long, a few feet wide. I have garden beds that occupy more space. Yet, I can always sense that there is this enormous aliveness no matter what level of consciousness the person before me may currently be in. Each person's life is vast but our bodies are really so very small. When death comes where does that vastness go? Into the memories of those we leave behind? And, over time, as those memories fade, what, then, is the true size of our life?

Born Enlightened

2006-06-04T19:43:00.000-07:00

As I have been taught, we are all born enlightened and then begin the process of forgetting that this is our true nature. We experience suffering early because, as the first Noble Truth states, life is suffering. The mind interprets our suffering as indicating a failure somewhere in our universe and we start to label ourselves negatively. Thus the layers of greed, anger, frustration, delusion begin to cover our True Nature.

Our True Nature is what we see right here in this exquisite photo. I believe that somewhere, sometime during everyone's journey here on Earth School we all have moments where we reach out and become our fully enlightened Baby Buddhas and we begin to peel those layers back to our sweet, soft, innocent and divine essence. Pat your belly, laugh with pure joy, wiggle your toes in the grass. Remember....

(Photo courtesy of Great Vow Zen Monastery)

The Teacher Becomes the Student

2006-05-22T14:22:00.000-07:00

Herein lies my teaching for the day:

This morning I went over to my son, Eli's, site and got the opportunity to read his latest blog entry. As I began to read I became quickly disoriented. Who wrote this?? My son?? Wait, wait wait...

As I continued to read I let go the mom thread and read some very deep, moving and insightful commentary about a life explored. There were questions asked but not necessarily answered. There were dilemmas noted that found a voice. There was a resolution at the end that found it's way to a frog, a lizard and the evening grass.

Within it all I found resonance with some of my own life and I found myself nodding in agreement. When I was done I had to laugh a little because a scene from my dream last night came to mind: a priest is talking to me and he suddenly leans over and stares at me and gets very intent and asks in a hushed tone, "How do you know about Immortality?" I laughed because I figure that the next time this priest looks me up in Dreamtime I'm going to tell him that everything I know I learned from my son.

Some days it's just good to let yourself go down the rabbit hole wearing a grin.

The Hardest Thing

2006-05-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

Over the course of my life I have often been asked about, or refered to, the hardest thing I have ever done. I used to say it was being raised as an abused child and surviving. Later, it was raising my kids as a single parent, and then it was giving up everything and leaving the world to enter the monastery. That was followed by the event of leaving the monastery and having to re-enter the world and re-create my life as a lay person.

This morning's meditation revealed the truest thing that I have done that has, in the end, actually been the hardest. To change. All of the events above have really been simply the context for change within. Looking hard at myself, looking hard at my mistakes, my flaws, my fears. To be willing to transform my greed, anger and delusions into Compassion, Love and Wisdom. The hardest thing I have ever done is still the hardest thing I am doing. And it will be the hardest thing I will do in the future.

And I am willing.

Seeing is Believing?

2006-05-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

Summer nights are so exquisite for lying on the sweet grass and gazing toward the dome of the heavens above. Stars and planets cast their glittering light into the vast, deep night. We sigh with the beauty and try to count them.

The next time you enjoy this restful past time consider this -- a percentage of the stars that we see shining are a mirage of the past. Although our eyes swear to us that yes, indeed, there is a star, and there is a star, many of these seeming realities have long, long ago burnt out and faded from the universe. That which our senses tell us to be 'real' is not. It is simply an illusion of the dead past co-existing with the present.

What else in our lives do we swear to be true that is nothing more than a dream of a star from the past?

Just What Mother Always Wanted!!

2006-05-08T17:02:00.000-07:00

Although a bit early I would like to take a moment to thank all the moms out there for their hard, hard work, their dedication to a job that does not hand out degrees or diplomas when you graduate (if a mom ever graduates), and their selfless sacrifices made in the context of everyday living.

Our local paper ran an ad for a fancy salon's Mother's Day special. One of their spendier packages promised, among other things, the following:

"A Champagne and Caviar Facial" and "A Decadent Lunch with a Rose"

While I would personally prefer to consume that champagne and caviar, I think a rose would be a superb listener....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Call of the Han

2006-05-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

The han is a wooden block which is located outside the meditation hall. It is struck approximately 10 minutes prior to a meditation period. I have always had a love/hate relationship with this particular instrument. When I was the one behind the striking mallet I loved it. When I had to endure the often ear-splitting crack of it, and I was late, tired, frustrated, or wanting to get that 'one more minute' of work done on some project of the moment I simply abhored that sound.

Somehow, despite my best ego-will, that sound has gotten into my blood and bones. I miss it when I do not hear it here at home. Somewhere along the Way it ceased to be a marker of time and became a call, an invitation, from the Eternal to drop the worldly ways and mind, to come back to our true home, our place of rest.

In the end, that very invitation is beyond sound and we learn to hearken and respond to it with the Eye that hears and the ears that See.

Cool Times

2006-05-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

This morning during meditation I realized that I had come to a 'cool' point in my training. These times are experienced as very flat and almost lifeless to some people. Some would say that they are 'stuck' because usually our training is experienced in some difficult way as we struggle with our issues, our karma arising. We are twisting in the wind with our feet to the fire. No, not fun at all, but at least we are aware of movement of some kind.

In the cool times we find there is often little besides ordinary life to attend to and our experience of our emotions is often 'dead'. We are not even really depressed...there is just a 'nothing' to life. It seemingly lacks impetus and motivation. Many people, myself included, find these patches of training often more difficult than the fiery times. There appears to be a disconnect to, and disinterest in, our lives and ourselves. Sometimes there even feels like a disconnect to the Eternal. We seem to be adrift in a void.

My teachers were always very candid and acknowledged that they, too, had their cool training times. Some of them still went through these even after 30 years. The way to train through them is just the same as with all other training: sit with it and know that it is impermanent and change will come. And, as with all other moments in our lives, continue to practice with uncomplaining all-acceptance and the attitude of gratitude.

In the Current Moment

2006-04-25T15:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was reminded that it is not always a sign of unmitigated brilliance to be someone who comes up with many ideas about their life. Ideas are wonderful for stimulating the mind but you have to be careful not to squelch the creative fire that needs to arise in order to allow the idea to become manifest. The image I was given was that of my having so much mental downloading of what I want to do and be that it was acting like a low pressure situation on the fire that was trying to arise from the earth to concretize all those wonderful ideas. The antidote, I was told, was to get to water, be with water, become water. It will not put out the flames of the creative but it will allow the feelings surrounding these ideas to become apparent.

I think that my cycle is this: I become aware of what I must do next. The fire spirit arises to begin the manifestation of the dream. As the dream starts to become a reality there is fear because the unknown is scary and wonderful and I could actually succeed! The fear becomes so great that I will quickly squash the manifesting idea by coming up with a different idea, which begins to manifest, which will bring up the fear, which means I must download another idea.

Getting by the water, allowing a fresh wind to blow, watching the fluidity, will allow the water element of my own being to have a voice. "Yes, I am afraid, tired, delighted, excited..." Whatever it is. It will not change the course of the manifestation it will actually get me deeper in touch with the flow of it.

For all things to be in balance we must move within and with the current of the moment.

(Artwork courtesy of Sybil Shane)

Jumping At Shadows

2006-04-21T09:06:00.000-07:00

I mean, some days I just go around scared of everything. The fear is just in my face and I can't get around it. What to do? Just sit in the middle of it and see what arises. Most of my fears are just phantom, fuzzy, stuffed ducks with no more power to bring down my life than, well, fuzzy, stuffed ducks. There are no bombs going off around my head, I have more than enough food to keep me from true starvation, I have clothes in my closet and medical insurance. I can meditate, walk, see, hear. Better to go with the attitude of gratitude.

Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the Peace of the Eternal.

(from 'A Course in Miracles')

Life Without Gall

2006-04-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

1. A gallbladder with many stones. 2. The single stone in my gallbladder was as big as the one on the right.

Last month I held a ceremony of release the day before my gallbladder surgery. The time had come to say goodbye. The time had come to face the fact that I had physically, and, more importantly, spiritually abused my gallbladder beyond it's capacity to function within my body.

The physical errors I made were clear. I am a McProduct of my McSociety. Too many years of a high, nasty-fat diet and yo-yo weight fluctuations had taken their toll. By the time I had switched to a vegetarian diet the damage was already done.

The spiritual contributions to gallbladder dis-ease? A life of anger. Repressed or expressed does not matter. If anger is the main mode of ones reaction to life; if things in life just 'gall' you to no end; the gallbladder is the organ that takes the hit. In my family of origin anger was the main mode of communication. I have been angry all my life. I have carried grudges about people and situations around with me for a lifetime. I have gnawed on the bones of dead issues until they have filtered into my physical life and solidified, calcified, crystallized in the form of a rock hard lump of rage.

And the cleansing of the spiritual karma that I have been doing around this issue finally dovetailed into the need to cleanse the physical karma. I got physically sick beyond anything I have experienced in years. The pain and nausea were almost unbearable. Fourteen days after finally admitting that I needed to see my doctor I was on a gurney rolling down a hallway to the operating room.

In my meditations since my surgery I have experienced a purge of spirit and body. An opportunity for a new way to live. A release of an unhealthy pattern of destruction. Not only will I be even more aware and cautious with my diet, I will be extremely diligent about watching out for the angry mind, the grudging mind, the critical mind.

I am deeply grateful for this teaching.

[More women than men tend to have gallbladder disease for a number of physical reasons. Therefore, the link I chose to include with this posting is to a women's health site which lists several resources. Anger knows no gender boundaries, however, so the information found is relevant to both men and women.]

Fun Times

2006-04-19T12:23:00.000-07:00

Well, my visit with my kiddos is over. We had a really nice time just hanging. I'm really proud to know both of them. They are fine young men who are confident and living their lives according to their hearts and what they know to be best.

I wonder what the future will hold for all of us? Ian still has a year and some til he gets out of the Army. Then he becomes a civilian again and will start to be a present parent for his son, Austin. How will he handle all those changes? Eli is still a wanderer and world bon vivant. Will he ever find a place to land and call home? Or will he remain what the japanese call their monastics, "Unsui"? Wandering Cloud. One who calls the whole universe 'home'. As for me, I am still working toward my Ph.D. and planning to start work at the local hospice. What surprises and opportunities await with each of these steps?

For the moment, I must do only that which is right in front of me. Sort and file my old bills. Eat a little lunch. Take the cat to the vet. This is the true path of dharma. One step at a time.

A Day of Blessings

2006-04-16T11:16:00.000-07:00

While I am not a Christian I took a moment this morning to meditate and tap into the level of devotion that so many are sharing this day. For Christians this day is deeply significant. I would venture to say that it is the most important religious holiday of the Christian faith.

After my meditation I continued to reflect upon the significance of this day. It seems to me that the theme of death and resurrection is so vital to all religions. It is, maybe, the very theme of Faith. When our faith is strong we can experience and witness the death of so many things with the understanding that from the ashes of change and impermanence arises the glory of the strength of spirit. In Buddhism, we work toward the death of ego and self so that our true Buddha Nature may arise in splendor within us.

And so I join in today's celebrations in my own way. A day of contemplation, a day of blessings. May all beings be at Peace.

Feeling Like Bucky

2006-04-14T12:15:00.000-07:00

All I have to say today is, "Blaaaaaaaa..."

(Oh,excuse me! Is this 'un-Buddhist'-like??? Well, Blaaaaaa!)

Late Night Head-Wall Banging

2006-04-14T00:08:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I'm sitting here in this house at midnight obsessing over the walls in my head. These walls were built brick by brick out of all the expectations I have about who I am 'supposed' to be as a mom. My kids and I haven't lived together as a family unit for 6 years. This past week has found us having a reunion and I am stunned and appalled at my own lack of holding my ground. Guess what I discovered?? Somewhere back in my childhood I equated the concept of 'mom' with 'slave'.

I have been the observer in this past week and have watched scene after scene of myself cooking and cleaning in an endless, mindless whirlwind. I have been unconsciously beating myself over the fact that I cooked the bacon too much, the chicken and the lamb not enough, and that I haven't been able to change and wash the sheets on the kids beds EVERY BLOODY DAMN DAY!! I find myself cringing if I leave counters unwiped or the pillows on the couch unfluffed and in their symmetrical placements. Somehow I am buying into this internal dialogue that is monitoring and critiquing everything I do. "If you don't do it just SO you are NOT being a 'good mom' and your children will be deeply disappointed with you. And by the way, you really could be doing more if you would stop being so lazy...oh stop whining about that surgery from three weeks ago...you're just giving yourself excuses..."

What the **BLEEP** is going on here??? Who am I?? Why am I doing this to myself and how do I get out of this maze of walls I keep banging my head against???

The Meaning of "Mistake"

2006-03-02T14:06:00.000-08:00

I am an "give" addict. The fancy term that gets bandied about these days is "enabler" but that really isn't fitting for the likes of me. I'm more of what you'd call an "un-abler". This means that I give and give and give of myself in order to make sure that the person on the receiving end becomes "unable" to live without me. I give until I am indespensable. I give until I become superbly needed. I give until my well is bone dry and I find myself deeply exhausted, desparately depleted and dreadfully despairing. And what then?

Then, the pendulum hits it's still point and begins its descent into "take". For whatever reason to take is the only antidote that I can see. And so desparate am I to recover anything that feels like a sensation of "getting" I usually begin clawing and grasping and gasping my way into a type of insanity that always seems to lead to a whopping "mis-take". I try to take what I believe I'm owed for my "selfless service" and I miss the mark by a universal mile.

Here are my questions: Are all of our mistakes simply a mis-taking of something that someone (or life) was trying to offer to us? Or maybe it is a matter of mis-taking that which never was being offered but we felt entitled to take it? Is it that we either took too much or not enough because we weren't able to understand how to receive a message in the right way or at the right time? How often do we miss opportunities to receive the gifts offered to us in a day and then end up feeling like nothing good ever comes our way or that we are totally unappreciated? Maybe this last question leads us to the biggest "mis-take" of all as we grasp for all the things that are not being offered and are blind to all that is....

"Have FUN with your meditation..."

2006-02-27T09:28:00.000-08:00

Two months ago I went to a wonderful weekend meditation retreat. I was utterly petrified inside as it was the first time that I had gone to any formal temple or priory since leaving the monastery in Sept. of 2004. I wasn't sure that I would be able to make it through even that one weekend, but my relationship with the Eternal was stronger than my fear.

The demons of my mind had been screaming at me during each meditation period throughout the day on that Saturday. "Get out of here!" was a favorite refrain of theirs. "Haven't you been through enough with these monk types?" screamed several others. "You can do it alone, you know?" whined yet others. I sat on my seat in the meditation hall and held my place. I was rigid with determination to JUST KEEP SITTING! I was not going to move off the mountain! I was NOT going to give in to the ego-fear!! I was not...I was NOT...I WAS NOT...!!!

When the time came Saturday night to have formal sanzen (a private interview) with the Abbot I was wound so tight that I could barely breathe while sitting on the small mat in the cold hall awaiting the sound of his gong requesting that I come in. When I finally approached him in the sanzen room I thought I would literally pass out from terror. I knelt before him and shook like an autumn leaf in a storm. I could not even raise my eyes to his and only looked down as my tremulous voice tried to speak the question on my heart.

I do not remember what the Abbot finally said to me that made me look up, but when I did I met his eyes and everything in my body melted like Arctic snow before an Arizona sun. I started crying and realized that I had not allowed myself to cry or grieve in over a year since leaving my monastic life behind.

He remained utterly still in the presence of my 'meltdown' and spoke words of great kindness and compassion. At last he indicated that the interview was over and he said to me, "Now go out and have FUN with your meditation..." and I laughed. No one had EVER told me to have fun with my meditation. My interpretation had been that meditation was hard work. That the karma arising was hard karma. That fun and silliness and delight was a waste of time and one should NOT waste time, above all, as Dogen admonished!

I cannot say that I have yet to understand fully what the Abbot suggested to me. I know that he was not telling me to take my meditation lightly...I do, however, suspect that he was pointing to taking MYSELF lightly and to let go, in an instant, the hardening of my practice which I had come to create.

Meditation is a fluid, dynamic practice. It is about living and flowing. Determination and dedication are necessary to a point. In the end, however, we are learning to clean our karma in order to SOFTEN our hearts and our personalities so that we can let go of the judgments and criticisms and opinions of our minds.

So, for now, I am learning to meditate softer, not harder. I sit upon my cushion softer, I breathe softer, I allow my gaze to soften even more.... I open, open, open my heart wider.

And, in my moving meditation of daily life I am allowing myself to laugh a little more and to have a little FUN!

Monk of Body, Monk of Mind...

2006-02-23T11:23:00.000-08:00

Me in the summer of 2003

When I was studying at the monastery for three years there was a teaching about being a monk of body and being a monk of mind. Being a monk of mind does not mean one needs to be a monk of body. This is because the essence of being a monk, according to my own understanding, is the renunciation not of books and cats and jobs and lovers but of our deeply cherished opinions, judgments and mental and emotional attachments to everything within our world both outer and inner. The inner world is where we can be attached to our ideas, thoughts and emotions. (Just try giving up your emotional attachment to your emotions! Yeesh!) This is the giving up of everything. This is the true leaving home and being as the clouds.

I am amazed at how little I understood about being a monk when I was actually training as a monk. I was a monk of body, but no monk of mind. Now, I no longer look as I did in that summer photo above. There is hair that must be dealt with and a meager wardrobe that must be thought on each morning. There are cats to be fed and a home to build and a new vocation to be explored.

Yet, since leaving the monastery in September of 2004 I have found that, with meditation and the passage of a little time , I have actually learned more and more about the true meaning of 'monk.' The 'wearing of the kesa (a large piece of material sewn from patches of other material which wraps around a monk)' and the 'carrying of the bowl' were never about wearing the kesa and robes nor about beautifully carved bowls of Myrtlewood. The 'kesa' truly worn is our meditation and our devotion to follow the rules set forth by the Buddhist precepts. It is our commitment to live as a decent and ethical human being to the best of our understanding in any given moment. It is our grace.

The 'carrying of the bowl' is our willingness to be grateful for every instant of our living. To accept what must be done without judgments, to fully accept what is with clear sight. To be willing to be of service and to ask with sincerity, 'how may I help?' And to let it all go at the end of each day with another whispered prayer of, 'Thank you.'

To live in this way is to walk the path of the monk of mind. With this new perspective I have found that the true monastery is that which is the cloisterless cloister - it is all around us at every moment. It is the sky above, the asphalt beneath my feet, the sun upon my skin, the wind blowing through my hair. It is the mall, the grocery store, the doctor's office, as well as the mountains and rivers. For the monk of mind there is nowhere she goes that the true monastery is not. There is nowhere she goes that she ever ceases to 'wear the kesa' and 'carry the bowl.'

You are not Him, He is all of you....

A Mother's Prayer....

2006-02-16T15:08:00.000-08:00

Today my son, Ian, is leaving Afghanistan after serving a long and often traumatic year. (If you are interested in looking over his postings please go to: eaglestory.blogspot.com) I find myself a bit anxious about how he will handle re-entry into the world at his homebase in Germany...and then I must realize that I am not doing him any good with my worry. I must affirm for him that all will go smoothly and that he is a Divine child residing in the heart of the Eternal. He has his karma to bear and work through. It is still hard, even after all this time and all the study that I have put into working on my attachments and learning acceptance, to not wish to interfere or offer him advice that is unsolicited. I want to control the conditions of his homecoming and provide him a safe and soft place to land. To shelter him from any further pain and sharp edges of life. To wipe away his memories of this war, to feed him all his favorite foods, and to hold him close until he falls into a gentle slumber.

And in the end I find myself with just one single thing that I can do: meditate and pray and continue to learn to trust that the things which are not within my control are never outside Divine order.

And so I pray: Heavenly Eternal One, in all your great Mercy, please hold my son, Ian, within your boundless compassion and Holy grace as he returns from war and begins to heal. Please soften any hard places within his soul and shine the clear and golden light of your Love in all the dark corners of his mind so that he may find peace within his heart. I ask that all your heavenly workers guide him in these hard days to follow and help him to know the true peace that comes from forgiveness of himself and others. We thank you for your ever-present Divine wisdom and guidance and we extend this prayer to all our service men and women, wherever they are, dead or living, and to all those who love them deeply. And so it is.

Welcome...and setting intentions!

2006-02-15T17:25:00.000-08:00

I am beginning this journey of journaling here on a beautiful evening in February. I am hoping that I will be able to share with many of you the thoughts and inspirations which will come to me as I work with all of you in the time to come.

I am launching this blogsite on the eve of publishing my brand new website, OneMindOnline, which will be available for viewing starting the morning of February 18. This blog will be linked to my website so that I can reach out to as many of you as possible.

It is always good to set one's intention at the birth of a new venture of any kind whether a job, a new house you will be creating, school...anything! With the launch of this first posting of SacredSpace I would like to set this intention and affirmation:

I now affirm that this journaling site will provide a place for people to come and find inspiration and upliftment in their own lives. That those whom I touch will only experience their own Divine nature and reach for all that is possible and good within their lives. That all who come with grief may find a solace, that all who come with anger will be washed through with the gentle waters of loving-kindness, that all who come with despair in their hearts will be healed through the boundless compassion of the Eternal. May all beings be at Peace. And so it is.

Many blessings to you all....