"Have FUN with your meditation..."
Two months ago I went to a wonderful weekend meditation retreat. I was utterly petrified inside as it was the first time that I had gone to any formal temple or priory since leaving the monastery in Sept. of 2004. I wasn't sure that I would be able to make it through even that one weekend, but my relationship with the Eternal was stronger than my fear.
The demons of my mind had been screaming at me during each meditation period throughout the day on that Saturday. "Get out of here!" was a favorite refrain of theirs. "Haven't you been through enough with these monk types?" screamed several others. "You can do it alone, you know?" whined yet others. I sat on my seat in the meditation hall and held my place. I was rigid with determination to JUST KEEP SITTING! I was not going to move off the mountain! I was NOT going to give in to the ego-fear!! I was not...I was NOT...I WAS NOT...!!!
When the time came Saturday night to have formal sanzen (a private interview) with the Abbot I was wound so tight that I could barely breathe while sitting on the small mat in the cold hall awaiting the sound of his gong requesting that I come in. When I finally approached him in the sanzen room I thought I would literally pass out from terror. I knelt before him and shook like an autumn leaf in a storm. I could not even raise my eyes to his and only looked down as my tremulous voice tried to speak the question on my heart.
I do not remember what the Abbot finally said to me that made me look up, but when I did I met his eyes and everything in my body melted like Arctic snow before an Arizona sun. I started crying and realized that I had not allowed myself to cry or grieve in over a year since leaving my monastic life behind.
He remained utterly still in the presence of my 'meltdown' and spoke words of great kindness and compassion. At last he indicated that the interview was over and he said to me, "Now go out and have FUN with your meditation..." and I laughed. No one had EVER told me to have fun with my meditation. My interpretation had been that meditation was hard work. That the karma arising was hard karma. That fun and silliness and delight was a waste of time and one should NOT waste time, above all, as Dogen admonished!
I cannot say that I have yet to understand fully what the Abbot suggested to me. I know that he was not telling me to take my meditation lightly...I do, however, suspect that he was pointing to taking MYSELF lightly and to let go, in an instant, the hardening of my practice which I had come to create.
Meditation is a fluid, dynamic practice. It is about living and flowing. Determination and dedication are necessary to a point. In the end, however, we are learning to clean our karma in order to SOFTEN our hearts and our personalities so that we can let go of the judgments and criticisms and opinions of our minds.
So, for now, I am learning to meditate softer, not harder. I sit upon my cushion softer, I breathe softer, I allow my gaze to soften even more.... I open, open, open my heart wider.
And, in my moving meditation of daily life I am allowing myself to laugh a little more and to have a little FUN!
The demons of my mind had been screaming at me during each meditation period throughout the day on that Saturday. "Get out of here!" was a favorite refrain of theirs. "Haven't you been through enough with these monk types?" screamed several others. "You can do it alone, you know?" whined yet others. I sat on my seat in the meditation hall and held my place. I was rigid with determination to JUST KEEP SITTING! I was not going to move off the mountain! I was NOT going to give in to the ego-fear!! I was not...I was NOT...I WAS NOT...!!!
When the time came Saturday night to have formal sanzen (a private interview) with the Abbot I was wound so tight that I could barely breathe while sitting on the small mat in the cold hall awaiting the sound of his gong requesting that I come in. When I finally approached him in the sanzen room I thought I would literally pass out from terror. I knelt before him and shook like an autumn leaf in a storm. I could not even raise my eyes to his and only looked down as my tremulous voice tried to speak the question on my heart.
I do not remember what the Abbot finally said to me that made me look up, but when I did I met his eyes and everything in my body melted like Arctic snow before an Arizona sun. I started crying and realized that I had not allowed myself to cry or grieve in over a year since leaving my monastic life behind.
He remained utterly still in the presence of my 'meltdown' and spoke words of great kindness and compassion. At last he indicated that the interview was over and he said to me, "Now go out and have FUN with your meditation..." and I laughed. No one had EVER told me to have fun with my meditation. My interpretation had been that meditation was hard work. That the karma arising was hard karma. That fun and silliness and delight was a waste of time and one should NOT waste time, above all, as Dogen admonished!
I cannot say that I have yet to understand fully what the Abbot suggested to me. I know that he was not telling me to take my meditation lightly...I do, however, suspect that he was pointing to taking MYSELF lightly and to let go, in an instant, the hardening of my practice which I had come to create.
Meditation is a fluid, dynamic practice. It is about living and flowing. Determination and dedication are necessary to a point. In the end, however, we are learning to clean our karma in order to SOFTEN our hearts and our personalities so that we can let go of the judgments and criticisms and opinions of our minds.
So, for now, I am learning to meditate softer, not harder. I sit upon my cushion softer, I breathe softer, I allow my gaze to soften even more.... I open, open, open my heart wider.
And, in my moving meditation of daily life I am allowing myself to laugh a little more and to have a little FUN!
posted by Lynn | 9:28 AM
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