Late Night Head-Wall Banging

I can't believe that I'm sitting here in this house at midnight obsessing over the walls in my head. These walls were built brick by brick out of all the expectations I have about who I am 'supposed' to be as a mom. My kids and I haven't lived together as a family unit for 6 years. This past week has found us having a reunion and I am stunned and appalled at my own lack of holding my ground. Guess what I discovered?? Somewhere back in my childhood I equated the concept of 'mom' with 'slave'.

I have been the observer in this past week and have watched scene after scene of myself cooking and cleaning in an endless, mindless whirlwind. I have been unconsciously beating myself over the fact that I cooked the bacon too much, the chicken and the lamb not enough, and that I haven't been able to change and wash the sheets on the kids beds EVERY BLOODY DAMN DAY!! I find myself cringing if I leave counters unwiped or the pillows on the couch unfluffed and in their symmetrical placements. Somehow I am buying into this internal dialogue that is monitoring and critiquing everything I do. "If you don't do it just SO you are NOT being a 'good mom' and your children will be deeply disappointed with you. And by the way, you really could be doing more if you would stop being so lazy...oh stop whining about that surgery from three weeks ago...you're just giving yourself excuses..."

What the **BLEEP** is going on here??? Who am I?? Why am I doing this to myself and how do I get out of this maze of walls I keep banging my head against???