"Have FUN with your meditation..."

Two months ago I went to a wonderful weekend meditation retreat. I was utterly petrified inside as it was the first time that I had gone to any formal temple or priory since leaving the monastery in Sept. of 2004. I wasn't sure that I would be able to make it through even that one weekend, but my relationship with the Eternal was stronger than my fear.

The demons of my mind had been screaming at me during each meditation period throughout the day on that Saturday. "Get out of here!" was a favorite refrain of theirs. "Haven't you been through enough with these monk types?" screamed several others. "You can do it alone, you know?" whined yet others. I sat on my seat in the meditation hall and held my place. I was rigid with determination to JUST KEEP SITTING! I was not going to move off the mountain! I was NOT going to give in to the ego-fear!! I was not...I was NOT...I WAS NOT...!!!

When the time came Saturday night to have formal sanzen (a private interview) with the Abbot I was wound so tight that I could barely breathe while sitting on the small mat in the cold hall awaiting the sound of his gong requesting that I come in. When I finally approached him in the sanzen room I thought I would literally pass out from terror. I knelt before him and shook like an autumn leaf in a storm. I could not even raise my eyes to his and only looked down as my tremulous voice tried to speak the question on my heart.

I do not remember what the Abbot finally said to me that made me look up, but when I did I met his eyes and everything in my body melted like Arctic snow before an Arizona sun. I started crying and realized that I had not allowed myself to cry or grieve in over a year since leaving my monastic life behind.

He remained utterly still in the presence of my 'meltdown' and spoke words of great kindness and compassion. At last he indicated that the interview was over and he said to me, "Now go out and have FUN with your meditation..." and I laughed. No one had EVER told me to have fun with my meditation. My interpretation had been that meditation was hard work. That the karma arising was hard karma. That fun and silliness and delight was a waste of time and one should NOT waste time, above all, as Dogen admonished!

I cannot say that I have yet to understand fully what the Abbot suggested to me. I know that he was not telling me to take my meditation lightly...I do, however, suspect that he was pointing to taking MYSELF lightly and to let go, in an instant, the hardening of my practice which I had come to create.

Meditation is a fluid, dynamic practice. It is about living and flowing. Determination and dedication are necessary to a point. In the end, however, we are learning to clean our karma in order to SOFTEN our hearts and our personalities so that we can let go of the judgments and criticisms and opinions of our minds.

So, for now, I am learning to meditate softer, not harder. I sit upon my cushion softer, I breathe softer, I allow my gaze to soften even more.... I open, open, open my heart wider.

And, in my moving meditation of daily life I am allowing myself to laugh a little more and to have a little FUN!

Monk of Body, Monk of Mind...

Me in the summer of 2003

When I was studying at the monastery for three years there was a teaching about being a monk of body and being a monk of mind. Being a monk of mind does not mean one needs to be a monk of body. This is because the essence of being a monk, according to my own understanding, is the renunciation not of books and cats and jobs and lovers but of our deeply cherished opinions, judgments and mental and emotional attachments to everything within our world both outer and inner. The inner world is where we can be attached to our ideas, thoughts and emotions. (Just try giving up your emotional attachment to your emotions! Yeesh!) This is the giving up of everything. This is the true leaving home and being as the clouds.

I am amazed at how little I understood about being a monk when I was actually training as a monk. I was a monk of body, but no monk of mind. Now, I no longer look as I did in that summer photo above. There is hair that must be dealt with and a meager wardrobe that must be thought on each morning. There are cats to be fed and a home to build and a new vocation to be explored.

Yet, since leaving the monastery in September of 2004 I have found that, with meditation and the passage of a little time , I have actually learned more and more about the true meaning of 'monk.' The 'wearing of the kesa (a large piece of material sewn from patches of other material which wraps around a monk)' and the 'carrying of the bowl' were never about wearing the kesa and robes nor about beautifully carved bowls of Myrtlewood. The 'kesa' truly worn is our meditation and our devotion to follow the rules set forth by the Buddhist precepts. It is our commitment to live as a decent and ethical human being to the best of our understanding in any given moment. It is our grace.

The 'carrying of the bowl' is our willingness to be grateful for every instant of our living. To accept what must be done without judgments, to fully accept what is with clear sight. To be willing to be of service and to ask with sincerity, 'how may I help?' And to let it all go at the end of each day with another whispered prayer of, 'Thank you.'

To live in this way is to walk the path of the monk of mind. With this new perspective I have found that the true monastery is that which is the cloisterless cloister - it is all around us at every moment. It is the sky above, the asphalt beneath my feet, the sun upon my skin, the wind blowing through my hair. It is the mall, the grocery store, the doctor's office, as well as the mountains and rivers. For the monk of mind there is nowhere she goes that the true monastery is not. There is nowhere she goes that she ever ceases to 'wear the kesa' and 'carry the bowl.'

You are not Him, He is all of you....

A Mother's Prayer....

Today my son, Ian, is leaving Afghanistan after serving a long and often traumatic year. (If you are interested in looking over his postings please go to: eaglestory.blogspot.com) I find myself a bit anxious about how he will handle re-entry into the world at his homebase in Germany...and then I must realize that I am not doing him any good with my worry. I must affirm for him that all will go smoothly and that he is a Divine child residing in the heart of the Eternal. He has his karma to bear and work through. It is still hard, even after all this time and all the study that I have put into working on my attachments and learning acceptance, to not wish to interfere or offer him advice that is unsolicited. I want to control the conditions of his homecoming and provide him a safe and soft place to land. To shelter him from any further pain and sharp edges of life. To wipe away his memories of this war, to feed him all his favorite foods, and to hold him close until he falls into a gentle slumber.

And in the end I find myself with just one single thing that I can do: meditate and pray and continue to learn to trust that the things which are not within my control are never outside Divine order.

And so I pray: Heavenly Eternal One, in all your great Mercy, please hold my son, Ian, within your boundless compassion and Holy grace as he returns from war and begins to heal. Please soften any hard places within his soul and shine the clear and golden light of your Love in all the dark corners of his mind so that he may find peace within his heart. I ask that all your heavenly workers guide him in these hard days to follow and help him to know the true peace that comes from forgiveness of himself and others. We thank you for your ever-present Divine wisdom and guidance and we extend this prayer to all our service men and women, wherever they are, dead or living, and to all those who love them deeply. And so it is.

Welcome...and setting intentions!

I am beginning this journey of journaling here on a beautiful evening in February. I am hoping that I will be able to share with many of you the thoughts and inspirations which will come to me as I work with all of you in the time to come.

I am launching this blogsite on the eve of publishing my brand new website, OneMindOnline, which will be available for viewing starting the morning of February 18. This blog will be linked to my website so that I can reach out to as many of you as possible.

It is always good to set one's intention at the birth of a new venture of any kind whether a job, a new house you will be creating, school...anything! With the launch of this first posting of SacredSpace I would like to set this intention and affirmation:

I now affirm that this journaling site will provide a place for people to come and find inspiration and upliftment in their own lives. That those whom I touch will only experience their own Divine nature and reach for all that is possible and good within their lives. That all who come with grief may find a solace, that all who come with anger will be washed through with the gentle waters of loving-kindness, that all who come with despair in their hearts will be healed through the boundless compassion of the Eternal. May all beings be at Peace. And so it is.

Many blessings to you all....